What a long strange trip it’s been.. trying to find myself again.
Long days and longer nights where I was occupied but still caught up in the blur of devastation, acceptance, and exhaustion.
I felt like I was operating on two different frequencies.
Frequency 1 was me living, breathing, walking & talking.
Frequency 2 was the continuous inner battle that waged between my heart & my mind.
I couldn’t silence it if I tried.
& oh man, did I try.
It’s been about a month of rebuilding since my life was blown up.
To say it’s been turbulent, is (a clever pilot humor-fueled) understatement.
I wake up in a different state of mind everyday.
Some days I’m painfully depressed and lonely.
Some days I’m content and melancholy.
Some days I don’t even have time to realize what I’m feeling.
But today is the first day I’ve gotten an opportunity to sit with myself for a minute and look back.
I sit and evaluate how high I’ve climbed out of the deep dark.
How much of this darkness had exposed itself over 3 years.
It would have swallowed me if I didn’t start to move in the opposite direction.
Today is the first day I’ve started to feel grounded and safe in a very, very long time.
This feeling could be gone tomorrow, I have to accept that.
Then again, maybe it won’t disappear, but start to gain momentum.
Maybe that momentum will stay.
Feeling stable isn’t something I was used to anymore.
It’s not something I was expecting to feel for a long while.
The last 5 weeks have made me realize so many things about myself that I otherwise would have suppressed, or lost entirely.
The summer air wraps me in it’s arms and the smell of blooming flowers soothes my senses into a state of contentment and safety, as if Mother Nature herself is holding me close & letting me know I’m not alone.
I’m held, I’m safe, and I am okay.
Being alone has always shown me I still have the innate ability to surprise myself.
There was a time in my life where I’d be so anxious walking into a new place alone, that if I couldn’t find a friend to come with me, I just wouldn’t go.
There were times in my life where I didn’t do things I wanted simply because I couldn’t find someone to come with me.
There were times in my life where I’d bite my tongue to please others, instead of speaking my mind to please myself.
I have realized that in the past, when I’m in a relationship with someone, I absolutely lose myself in them.
This is something I am actively changing within myself.
I refuse to get into another relationship until I’m sure I have healed that wound of abandonment.
The childhood wound that is responsible for leading me down the wrong paths with the wrong people.
That wound, or as my therapist calls it a “Life Trap”, forces me into co-dependent, often toxic cycles in any and all relationships I’ve been involved in.
The feeling of being abandoned was normal for me.
I would subconsciously seek out people who would ultimately lead me back to that feeling that was so normal. Normal = comfortable.. right?
Well unfortunately for me, abandonment is definitely not the only life trap I have.. out of a list of 18, I have 13 of these.
I’m taking each, one by one, and unraveling all the knots until I am a solid human.
I’ve never been a solid human.
I guess it makes total sense why no matter what people lead me to believe, I always end up giving them the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for their shitty behavior… because god forbid they leave me.
A normal person would be kicking someone to the curb at the first sign of poor treatment.
Not me, oh no.
I would roll out the red fucking carpet for them, then punish myself for “making them treat me that way.”
Now that I’ve done a month straight of intensive inner work, it feels insane even typing that out, let alone knowing I allowed that into my life for so many years.
If I had a friend in a similar situation, I’d tell them to run.
Why wouldn’t I give myself that same advice?
Why don’t I value myself?
Why don’t I love myself enough to know when someone just isn’t good for me?
I think the fact that I’m asking myself these questions is a step in the right direction.
Now it’s a matter of finding the answers.
I’m going to remind myself just how powerful I am right now, and when you’re done reading this you should do the same.
We don’t pat ourselves on the back enough!!
Let’s change that together.
Day 1: Me and my friend Cindy get into a glider and forget it all up there.
I had no idea how much harder my life would get after this day.
Day 2: Instead of losing my entire 15 year rolodex, I decided to reach out to every client I know, offer to go to their homes or offer them to come to mine in order to keep and maintain all of the relationships I’ve built.
Day 3: I realized all my tools were taken when I was kicked out of my old shop.
Given that they were all birthday gifts, Christmas gifts… etc,
I guess I should have taken back all the gifts I gave him for those occasions too.
So I had a choice to make..
Do I go put out 5-600 dollars for all new tools, just so I can make money?
I decided against that and unblocked my ex to see if he would be able to find it in his heart to not bury me into the ground entirely, and give me my tools back so I can accommodate clients that were counting on me.
Week 1:
I was able to get my tools back, but now my water heater is cracked and needs to be replaced.
As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, let’s add that on. I had to call 3 different plumbers to find one that could do the job. I didn’t have hot water for about 2 weeks during this insanity. Love that.
I was crying at least 4-5 times a day.
I was being stalked, threatened, and mindf*ked until one night, it went way too far and police had to get involved.
A lot of that last encounter has been blacked out in my mind, but I do vividly remember as my door was being bashed in, time stopping and the thought of what would happen to me if he made it thru.
That’s when I knew this shit was actually dangerous.
It wasn’t getting kicked out on my ass, it wasn’t the lies or the constant blame shifting and gaslighting, no. I wasn’t going to walk until I was shown how toxic this could get.
That’s when I knew it was really over, & this person that I’d spent every single day with for the last three years was no longer a part of my life.. and never would be again.
I mourned the loss of my future plans, my engagement, my business, my career, my sanity, my everything. All I felt was loss. I sat in that feeling for a few days until my door was fixed. During that time, support rained in from so many sources. Thank you all, so much. The police asked me if I wanted him arrested, and in my last effort to protect him still, I said no.
At the end of the day I have to live with that choice, and I believe I made the right one ultimately. The day after this all happened was his daughter’s birthday. I couldn’t handle the thought of him sitting in jail on that day, for many reasons.
Week 2: The week I decided where I wanted to work.
It was a shot in the dark for me, but I printed a resume out, stapled a business card to it and dropped it off at the one and only salon I wanted an opportunity to build myself at.
I had no idea if they were even hiring. No idea if they had an open chair.
I went in blind, hoping for the best but expecting nothing.
I chose this salon because I know my clients will love it there.
I know I’ll love it there. I know I’ll be able to grow my business substantially there.
Most of all, I had this inner knowing.. an intuitional feeling of this salon being my new home.
After meeting the owners I knew immediately I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
I’ve never in my life felt so welcomed, seen, appreciated… & within one day, I was hired.
It feels great to know I’ve got this new awesome community around me, and we all want to help each other be more and more successful.
No one can take this from me. No one can decide one day that I no longer belong there.
Landing a chair at this salon was the catalyst to things starting to swing up for me.
Week 3: I had one week before I started at the new salon, and the upcoming weekend was the Greenwood Lake Airshow, hosted by the owner of my aviation school, at the airport I train at twice a week.
When I first started flying back in March, I volunteered to help out the weekend of the airshow because I wanted an opportunity to get to know everyone at the airport.
Three months flew by and before I knew it, amongst all the wreckage of my life, I was going to the volunteer briefing alone, walking into a room full of 300 people I’ve never met.
I came straight from my demo at the new salon I was just hired at hours earlier.. obviously a bit over-dressed.
I sipped wine and listened to the owner of the school brief us all on what to do for the weekend of the event.
I was very proud of myself in this moment because thinking back to when I was too anxious to even go into a cafe alone, I zoomed out & found myself sitting in a room full of strangers, as my life was absolutely crumbling before me, I hadn’t had a hot shower in weeks, and yet… I felt completely okay.
In fact, I felt more than okay.. I felt at peace.
I felt excited. Flying and being around people that fly evokes the purest joy out of me.
I can’t replicate the feeling.. but I can compare it to the feeling I got when I was told I was hired at that new salon.
This is for ME. I’m living for ME. I feel so content because that’s what living for yourself is supposed to feel like. Holy shit what a revelation.
I went home that night feeling genuinely good for the first time since everything imploded.
With my week of free time, I did what any student pilot would do in my situation.
I flew all week & then went to the coolest aviation themed hotel on the East Coast…
The TWA.
(This also meant that I would get my first hot shower in WEEKS.)
PSA: Never ever take hot water for granted…
or things that make you involuntarily smile even though your life as you knew it is over.
Week 4: The ascension.
The week of the airshow was the week I learned what it feels like to truly follow your dreams.
To truly wake up and decide how you want your life to look.
I refer to this as “dreaming with my eyes open”.
I set out with 2 main goals in mind that weekend:
1. Meet Rob Holland & other awesome pilots that have been doing this for their whole lives.
2. Allow everyone at the airport to see how much I truly want to be there and make friends in the aviation community.
I’d say both goals were achieved with flying colors.. pun intended.
Not only did I meet Rob Holland, but we talked a while because on night 1, the entire show was rained out and I was assigned to look after the performers’ hangar… (best job ever)
I got to retrieve the flag during opening ceremonies on Saturday.
I got to go up and sit in a one of a kind Texan Kate replica, & meet her awesome Pilot, Max.
I got to demonstrate my work ethic by laying out tables, selling shirts, and picking up garbage.
I loved every fucking moment of that weekend.
Week 5: (Present Day)
This week was a big flight week for me because it marks the start of my LANDINGS!
I got to fly to a new airport for the first time last Tuesday to practice landings, and it was so much fun.
I realized that in order to sustain all I’ve built over the past few weeks, I must stay focused.
I will not invite anyone into my life that doesn’t align with my current path.
I just don’t have the time anymore.
My priorities are me. Things I want. That’s it.
Always forward, never back.
I will build out my business to be triple what it was before.
I will become a safe and successful pilot, and provide motivation for female pilots everywhere.
I will overcome anything that tries to stop my progression forward at any and all costs.
This chapter is for me.
I overcame things I never thought I’d overcome,
and here I am making it out on the other side.
I fucking did that.
As I start to stabilize my wings, life is becoming less turbulent and more lovely.
It can’t always be glass skies, but I’m learning that I can stabilize my wings in any weather,
I just have to trust myself enough.
Mindful Muse 
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