A big part of healing is having the freedom to speak your truth.
Often times the real truth lies somewhere in-between one side and another.
In no way am I a perfect person, but I am able to acknowledge when I do wrong, when I hurt someone, when I need to say I’m sorry.
Sometimes, people take advantage of that character trait in me, and I find myself apologizing for things that weren’t at all my doing.
I’ve apologized to people for treating me poorly.
I’ve apologized to people for making me feel worthless.
I’ve apologized to people for things they’ve done to me that I never would have chosen to bring upon myself in 100 years.
I stopped doing that recently, and now my entire life has taken a 180 degree turn to the left.

I lost someone that I loved deeper than the ocean.
I couldn’t have painted a more beautiful romance at the start.
I clung onto the idea of that for so long.
I tried to paint over the bumps in the road, & it was easy at first.
Eventually, the bumps became bigger and harder to paint over.
Then one day I ran out of paint.

I recently listened to a podcast about a man who had momentarily flatlined on an operating table.
The man described an out of body experience he had while he was flatlined.
He talked about crossing over to another realm, and speaking to several beings about his experiences on Earth, and if he was ready to leave. (obviously he was not)
During his time on the other side, the beings asked the man what he would miss most about living as a human on planet Earth.
He replied “Feeling my emotions.”
That sank into me so deep.
I had been taught during my spiritual journey that we are ultimately sent here to feel. To learn.
After our time on Earth is over, we go back home and back to our true essence, which is only love.
The man stated that he missed the feeling of heartbreak, the feeling of being so happy your eyes tear up, the feeling of being so angry you want to rip a tree from the ground.
During a time where I’m feeling all my emotions at once, and they’re hard to control, hearing that man say he told the beings he missed being able to be sad and angry jolted me like a lightening strike.
Holy shit. This is what it’s about. One day I won’t be here and I won’t feel anything.
That’s kind of scary to think about when I really allowed it to sink in.
As intolerably painful as these emotions are right now, I remind myself that they are temporary.
I’m trying to feel these waves of emotions as they come; it’s ok to be sad & it’s ok to mourn.

I stopped trying to make sense of it because the sequence of events seemed to unravel so fast.
Now that ties are severed, all that’s left to do is heal.
Having free time when healing can either be good or bad, depending on how you look at things.
I haven’t had free time in a while, so I’m deciding to stay as busy as I can.
When I sit still is when the waves start to build.
I’m finding a balance and control when it comes to my emotions.
All the while, I’m still allowing them to flow thru me in order to be released and let go.
I can’t allow them to grow into a tsunami, so to balance out the sadness I will do something every single day that makes me happy.
I’m calling it the “Fuck-it list summer”.

Today, May 19th 2024, was my first day unemployed, single, and absolutely on my own to rebuild my life.
I started here;

This was my first time in a glider!
By my side is a long-time friend, confidant, and spirit sister.
The day I met her over a decade ago, I had a strange feeling she’d be in my life for the long haul.
Today, she really saved me.. in more ways than I can articulate.
I love her for that.

For as long as it takes me to get myself going in a new job opportunity, I plan to take advantage of every single day.
Possibly even plan a trip, because why not?
I’ve never had this much freedom in my life, so while it’s here I’m going to squeeze every bit of life I can out of it.
I can’t look at this situation in any other way or I will crumble.

After we landed in the glider, Cindy, her husband Jeff and I all went to the airport diner for the first of many $100 cheeseburgers.
(In aviation, the “$100 cheeseburger” refers to the cost of fueling an airplane to fly to a different airport only to eat a cheeseburger and fly home again.)
Naturally, I love this idea so I’m starting a list of all the airport diners I eat a cheeseburger at.

Sitting with two people twice my age, who have been married longer than I’ve been breathing is always enlightening.
Here they are, still booking glider rides, meeting rockstars, climbing mountains, playing shows together.
These two are just absolute salt of the Earth, ultra talented musicians, truly good souls.
Jeff loves to talk. He will talk to you for hours about a multitude of topics.
His mind is like an encyclopedia of stories about wild parties, drug dealers, bikers, falling in love with Cindy and stealing her from the front man of a band..
I just sipped my chocolate milk shake and listened.
I hope one day to be sitting across from my husband, listening to him tell stories about years past with such energy and life.
I hope one day I’ll have something close to what they have.
Maybe it isn’t perfect, but it’s beautiful.
When they look at each other and their eyes meet,
I can see lifetimes of memories flash back and forth between them.

The more time I spend with positive people, doing things that make me involuntarily smile,
the more I can begin to bloom again.
As horrible as the exit was for me, I know in my heart that it had to happen.
I couldn’t heal in that environment and neither could he.
Someone had to bend, I’m the obvious choice. & that’s ok.
I just wish it didn’t go down in the way that it did.
If you were present for that chaos, let me say that I am so, so sorry that anyone had to witness that.
If I had my choice, I would have at least appreciated him waiting until the day was over to do what he did to me in the way it was done.
I will never forgive him for that.

There’s nothing I can do now but let go, trust the process,
and believe things will only get better from here.
As far as any sort of romance is concerned, I’m in my “no thanks” era.
I don’t know when I’ll be ready to let someone in again…won’t be for a very long time.

Until then I will become what I deserve, and more.

I hope the best for him, and I’m heartbroken that the universe tore us apart in the way that it did.

From here onward, I’m in the hands of God, Source, and the universe, and I trust that I’m being guided divinely each and every day.

Any clients looking to reach me, hopefully you’ve found your way here.
If you don’t have my contact info already, please feel free to leave a comment below and I will reach out to you personally.

I appreciate every single one of the humans I’ve gotten to work along side,
and the clients that turned into friends whom I got to grow along side.
I love you all, & I will miss you, so much.

But alas,
we must press on..

“Without the sun,
the rose that blooms in the night
must learn to create light within herself
and bloom from her own love.”