Can you remember your first day of kindergarten?
How about your first loose tooth?
The first time you rode a bicycle with no training wheels?
Your first slow dance with someone you like like?

I have this shelf in my library of memories that consists solely of firsts.
It’s always been a goal of mine to collect as many firsts as I can throughout my life.
I look back on them like trophies.
Moments in time where I did something that I wasn’t entirely sure I was capable of.
I live for those moments.

At 32, I’ve collected a good amount of firsts, but I still fear that I’m missing out.
The beautiful places on Earth that don’t look real in pictures, I want to visit them all.
I want to challenge my brain to learn a new skill each year to prevent it from melting into goo.
I want to learn several languages.
I want to see things only the bravest get to see.

Each new first changes me in one way or another.
They all seem to shape me into the next version of myself.
They show me that moving forward is the healthiest way to live.
They remind me that I can always count on tomorrow being a new opportunity to change things that don’t fit my ideal vision.
I can always count on tomorrow bringing a new “first” that could potentially change everything.
I can no longer accept wasted time and missed opportunities reminiscing over moments that are long gone.

I’ve recently had to come to terms with a lot of things not working out in my favor.
I’ve gone through levels of pain that worsen and lighten like waves that wash over me, drowning me in emotions I’d rather not feel.
I’ve reached for help from a few sources, but none of them worked out.
I’ve searched for therapists and made many phone calls, only to arrive at dead ends.
One therapist that a client recommended to me, responded to my message 3 weeks later.. unprofessional.
After several more failed attempts, I just went ghost on the entire idea of therapy.

Once I realized therapy wasn’t a current option, I knew I wanted to explore other outlets.
Firsts always provided me with an outlet in one way or another.
I’d already been craving a new and exciting first for months prior.
I wanted to expand my knowledge and master something completely new, so I enrolled in pilot school.

I have one month, a little over 4 hours of flying, and 2 full chapters of ground school under my belt.
I’m definitely feeling the stress of the investment, both time wise as well as financially, but something loud is keeping me going with it.
My intuitional voice always tries to calm my anxiety down and remind me why I decided to pursue a private pilot license in the first place.
Fear comes up and screams at me to choose a “safer, cheaper” hobby, but I can’t listen to that fear.
Fear is limiting. Fear is made-up. Fear is the unknown. Firsts are more powerful than fears.

The more a person is able to trust and listen to their own intuitional voice, the louder it becomes, shining light divinely down a path where true fulfillment will begin to manifest.
This path is not an easy walk, and it will look drastically different depending on the individual.

As humans we were not built to deny who we are,
but as time passes we seem to become better and better at it.
What if we all decided to turn our bucket lists into fuckit lists?
Listen to your inner voice, grab every first you can, stop apologizing for people mistreating you.
Walk your path.
YOUR path.

At the end of each day, it’s your life.
If you want to be the main character, do it.
If you want to be the rockstar, do it.
If you want to be the adventurer, fucking do it.

Don’t wait for people to do things with, don’t wait for validation, don’t wait for permission.
And most of all, don’t count on people to make your life great – YOU have to make it great.

If you feel alone or can’t relate to anyone around you, start doing the things you love and people who also love those things will naturally gravitate into your orbit.

Also, & this is a big one…
Stop being a people pleaser!
Be a bitch. Be someone who stands up for what they believe in.
Be someone who sets boundaries and sticks to them.
Be someone who stands up for themselves regardless of the outcome.
Be someone who refuses to accept anything other than love and light into their sacred space.
You have that control. No one else.
Once you stop trying to make everyone else happy and start focusing on making YOU happy, things will start to shift, drastically.

This will not be comfy.
This process will be messy.
You will lose people,
BUT, you will be making decisions based upon your instincts.
Despite how ugly this process can look in the beginning,
you’ll make memories, you’ll cry, laugh, scream.. you’ll live.
That is the only outcome baby.

Some of my best years have truly been wasted on people.
Ones who fooled me into thinking they care, when their actions constantly proved otherwise.
I’d make excuses. That’s my own fault.
I tried to be better because maybe then they’d love me.
Bent over backwards over and over again only to get my heart broken for the millionth time.

I can remember my first experience with “new people”.
It was kindergarten orientation day.
I remember being nervous about riding a bus for the first time by myself.
I didn’t know anyone, or have any siblings to ride with.
I stood in line, single file, waiting to be led onto this big yellow school bus.
I saw the girl in front of me trip over uneven pavement, but she was able to catch herself without falling.
I vividly remember telling myself to ‘be careful not to trip’ but instead of avoiding the uneven pavement, I somehow misstepped and lost my balance.
I remember falling to the ground, ripping my new white stockings, and cutting my knee.
I also remember quickly standing back up before anyone could notice how hurt I was.
I sprung up and filed back into the line, only to look down and realize my knee was bleeding..
like…. really bleeding.
Since I was bleeding so much, it was scary to the other kids.
I remember sitting alone in a seat on that bus, crying, and clutching my knees to my chest wondering what the hell was happening and when it would end.
Eventually a teacher noticed I was hurt and sat next to me.
I think she tried to comfort me, but I can’t remember that part too much.
All I truly remember is how hurt I was, and how alone I felt.
That was my first introduction to the world without my parents.

I can’t say life has been any kinder to me since kindergarten orientation day,
but I can say that I have learned how to flow with life’s unfair twists and turns.
I’ve learned to not fight the current.
If I’m alone, great. I know I can have fun by myself.
I also know that while I’m having fun by myself, I’ll most likely attract others that enjoy my kind of fun too.
I’ve learned to be ok with any outcome, because so much is completely out of my control.
If I hadn’t learned these lessons early on, I probably wouldn’t have nearly as many firsts on my memory shelf.
I’m still trying to navigate so many things and some days I feel good about that and others I can’t even think about my current reality and what I’ve been put through.. but I keep telling myself there are so many more firsts to be had.
I pick my head up and we keep going.

Now.. we all know that the opposite of a first, is a last.
Your last time talking to someone you know you won’t see again.
Your last graduation ceremony.
Your last day of work before retirement.
Lasts are either a great thing, or a heart-wrenching thing.

I’m unfortunately used to the heart-wrenching lasts rather than the
“Hooray! I accomplished something great and this is my last test before finishing it!” lasts.
The worst thing is that lasts stick in my mind a lot more than firsts do.
Firsts sit on my memory shelf until I want to pull one out for a story.
Lasts intrude into my thoughts when I’m having a fine day, and destroy it.
Lasts make nights alone much more difficult to get through.
Lasts trigger memories of firsts.
The difference is that these firsts hurt your heart, because they were the many firsts that ultimately led up to one last.
I wish I could rewire that part of my brain.
Actually, I wish I could rewire most of it and save myself the years of inner work because this whole “human being living life” thing has not gotten easier since kindergarten orientation day.

Maybe the universe wants to push me to fight back.
I decided to just go with that for this season of life.
I will fight back with everything I have in order to make my life a good one.
I will not accept poor treatment from anyone, for any amount of time.
I will not waste any opportunities presented to me.
I will fight for the life I know I deserve.

I don’t have an immediate plan, nor do I have all the answers.
What I do know, is that so many things are pointing me in a direction where I know I need to surrender and stop overthinking.
“Don’t think, just do.”
“Trust the universe to guide you to exactly where you are supposed to be.”
“Keep flying – do not give up flying under any circumstances.” <— that is a big one I keep hearing.
“Learn to satisfy every one of your needs, by yourself.”
“Say yes to things you want in your life, eliminate things that do not serve you.”
These messages come thru so loud and so sure.. that I can’t not trust it all.
I know I’m going to end up fulfilled, aligned, loved. I know.

& until then, I’ll become what I deserve.
As Halsey once said “I am not a woman, I’m a God…”