Have you ever wished for a change so badly that it began to physically hurt inside?
Have you ever found yourself staring into space, wishing with all your heart to fast forward time so that your soul may finally rest without constant worry and stress?
Years went by and I’d make the most of my situation.
I was grateful for what I had, but I still found myself looking for a silver lining to stay afloat day by day.
I’d look forward to going to sleep so that I could dream about a life that more closely resembles the one I’ve envisioned for myself.
Then one day, after wishing, dreaming, and praying that my life will be different… every. single. thing. changes.
My vision becomes clear again.
Waking up each day starts to feel purposeful, like I’m finally aligned with my true destiny.
One chapter of my life draws to a close as a new one begins to emerge like a picturesque mirage in the middle of a desert that has been dry for too long.
Some days, usually while I’m driving, it hits me like a freight train and I feel the tears start to well up. I’d fight the emotional release because I’d just done my makeup and what a waste that would be.
I knew I had to shift my mindset in order to shift my reality in those moments.
Sometimes that is way easier said than done so a lot of people, including myself, avoid thinking about their reality entirely when life gets dark.
I’ve found what is actually necessary, at least for me, is when I go through the muck of life, instead of medicating thru it, avoiding it, harping on it, I sit in it for a while.
I allow the pain in long enough to be able to see through to the true root of where it’s coming from.
The pain in my deepest center of self has been recognized in the dark.
The dark I walked thru for what felt like forever became the contrast to the light that’s beginning to pour into this new chapter of life.
This light is a warmth that I’ve never felt before.
An ease, a calmness, a certainty that makes the next big move in my life seem like the obvious choice.
Looking back on 2024, I can’t help but give myself endless amounts of credit for not only surviving, but ultimately thriving.
I developed the resilience necessary to rebuild every aspect of my reality;
all while maintaining my pilot training, starting a new job, relearning how to be on my own, coming to terms with so many unfortunate facts, and learning to forgive myself.
I DID THAT.
Truth be told, as proud as I am of myself for just staying alive, I can’t wait to bury 2024 with 2023.
Those 2 years were by far the most mentally challenging years of my life.
There’s a different energy going into 2025.
I decided to rid myself of any past heaviness and trauma associated with people and things that no longer matter.
Any materialistic item that holds a bad memory, gone.
Any piece of art, any book, music, anything that doesn’t bring me absolute JOY, gone.
The biggest thing I’m letting go of in 2024 is my condo.
My first home, purchased at the ripe age of barely 27.
Over the years I made it mine, and I’m incredibly proud of it.
Each piece of furniture
was hand-picked for the space.
The art on the walls? I painted it.
I learned how to be an adult here.
I got to know myself here.
I loved here.
But,
I was also hurt here.
I cried here.
I died and rebirthed myself a thousand times within these walls.
After this past year,
I knew it was time to go.
Subconsciously, I knew the time in my current home was coming to an end for a few years now.
I hadn’t felt inspired in so long.
The feeling of freedom my condo once gave me became a suffocating heaviness that made me want to do nothing but sleep.
I kept trying to envision where I wanted to be, but I couldn’t see clearly enough.
Not until the dust settled and the wounds closed did the image I had been trying to envision manifest right in front of me. That’s when my ideal reality, in this chapter, became clear.
Once I decided I wanted out of this reality and really started to live by the idea that nothing around me is serving me right now, certain obstacles began to fall away.
I met a man who without a doubt is going to be my husband one day.
I always rolled my eyes when people would tell me “Just wait, when you know, you know.”
Yeah, okay Barb thank you.
But Barb was right.
As soon as I met this man I knew.
He knew too.
It’s been incredibly healing to be able to feel safe again.
Being with a man who’s compassionate, gentle, loving, sensitive, a true protector and provider, has been a learning curve for me.
Robbie has taught me that there is such a thing as an unconditional love.
A fair partnership where we both support each other, help each other grow, build a life together.
To be honest, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.
When we talked about moving in together, neither of us could have guessed how soon all these pieces would fall into place.
We’re ready, excited, and absolutely madly in love with each other.
It was the last house we walked thru on a cold November Sunday.
We weren’t supposed to be looking at the house, but our realtor made a few phone calls.
As we walked out of the second-to-last house feeling very defeated, tired, and so hungry we thought we were gonna pass out, our realtor looks at us and says
“Ok, now let’s go see the perfect house.”
I didn’t think much of this statement after my Sunday had been spent looking at over-priced homes that needed 100k worth of work before anyone could think about living comfortably.
As soon as we pulled into the neighborhood and onto the street that would become ours, it was clear as day that this was our future.
It’s as if the perfect house was laid out on a silver platter and presented to us when we least expected it.
The house sits on a mountain overlooking the ski resort on the other side.
At night from the deck, the lights sparkle like a million stars.
The feeling I get when I stand out there is like being in Aspen.
It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
This house has limitless potential.
I already have about 6 Pinterest boards filled with ideas for all of the rooms.
The first time I walked thru the living room and felt the sun pouring in, that heaviness I’d been carrying finally subsided.
Our closing date is days before Christmas, so the holidays might look a little different this year.
(sorry in advance if you all don’t see me family!!)
The guilt of possibly passing up Carracino Christmas is definitely in my ear.
To be honest though, after the year I’ve had, all I really want for Christmas is to be cozy in my new home.
I want to cuddle up with Robbie and Dexter, watch a snow storm while something warm and delicious cooks in the kitchen.
I want a Christmas movie on tv, and a fire going in the fireplace.
I don’t need anything else.
If all goes according to plan, I should be soloing this month and beginning my cross country requirements, so to say things are all happening at once is absolutely accurate, and I could really use a break in the chaos.
That break is coming though!
Before finding the dream house we (Robbie and I) booked a trip for January/February.
This trip is 2 full weeks at sea, exploring the most beautiful southern Caribbean islands;
experiencing as many firsts as we can; eating as many amazing meals and getting some much needed rest and relaxation. & sun… lots and lots of sun.
Anytime I’m in the sun or near the ocean, I feel at peace.
I don’t have to try to find calmness, it just is.
I think after the year (or 2) I’ve had, this is a perfect way to begin a new chapter.
The energy coming into the new home will be clear & light.
This will be the catalyst for expansive growth in so many aspects of my life, and I couldn’t feel more ready and excited.
So as I sat at this years thanksgiving table, I couldn’t help but be so incredibly thankful for every single good and bad thing that has led me to where I am today.
It all makes so much sense looking back.
I think it took me a little time to realize that losing my life as I knew it would mean gaining a new life where the potential to be happy, fulfilled, and, in many ways, fix all of my problems, is the only choice moving forward.
I held onto a lot of things for way too long, and that’s ok.
Devine timing is always perfect.
I remind myself that after the dark, life always gets light again.
Mindful Muse 
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