I don’t want to come off as ungrateful, but holy shit…
I feel entitled to some positive karma.

It’s been a rough road.

I feel like I have finally begun to stabilize into my new normal.
There are days when all I think about is where I was at this time last year,
and where I would have been at this time presently, had my life not imploded.

My brain recalibrates & redownloads every time I’m jolted awake by an external force, like an alarm clock or a loud noise. The process of recalibration usually takes a few seconds.
My eyes open and reality bleeds in, feeding me my first emotion of the day; sadness.

There are days where I am so withdrawn that I feel almost frozen.
I learned recently that this behavior is called a ‘trauma response’.
I overthink and worry that people are taking my behavior personally – or as anything other than exactly what it is – me being stuck in my mind, trying to silence all my fears and soothe my hurt, all while trying to settle into this new life that I never asked for.

Sometimes I space out and go off to some nether realm in a dark corner of my subconcious.
I go in so deep that I become disconnected from myself and everyone around me.
At first I wasn’t able to pull myself out of it, but I’ve been getting better at that recently.

There have been more frequent days where I’m okay.
I’m okay enough to chill with friends, go places, be social.

I’m okay enough to start to envision the light at the end of the tunnel.
This feeling makes me nervous because I know in the back of my mind that tomorrow I might not feel good anymore.

I hate this.

Everyone keeps telling me to
“Just give it time…”
“Things will get better with time.”
“You’ll feel better in time.”

Time is a motherfucker.

For someone who is actively working on letting go of control,
time mindfucks me because as much as I cry and scream and isolate, I can’t change time.
Unless I’m flying of course… airplanes = time machines.
The current mantra has been me reminding myself that what’s done is done, and that it happened this way for a reason.
As much as I try to decode and piece together what happened and what the hell the last three years of my life even were, I can’t wake myself up from this nightmare, I can’t go backwards, I can’t make him be the man I needed him to be,
I can’t fucking change it.

Questions I will never get answers to:
1. Why did you propose to me and then turn into someone else?
2. Why did you decide to choose all your vices over me?
3. Why did you come into my life only to destroy it and slam the door in my face on your way out?
4. Was your new girlfriend already waiting in the rafters? Cause damn that was quick.
5. Did you ever even care about me or was it all truly just bullshit from the rip?

I waste so much time asking myself these questions and hundreds of other ones.
I’m subconciously desperate to try to make sense of the situation, even though it’s senseless.
It’s not fair that I have to fight tears off when fucking Post Malone comes on the radio.
Or when I think about how this month was supposed to be the happiest month of my life, but it’s the saddest and hardest instead.
One day it will all make sense, but right now it’s so mind blowing how someone can go from treating you like a queen, to treating you like a person who never mattered to them at all within a few months.
I tried so hard to pull him out of whatever he was going through, but I failed, every time.

I wish I could turn off the euphoric recall sensor in my brain.
Waking up in the middle of the night has been so rough because of that god damn euphoric recall.
The randomly waking up did stop for a little while, however a neighbor of mine seems to have recently jumped on the early bird train and started getting up between 3 & 3:30am.
Unfortunately if something wakes me up these days, I’m up for the long haul.
I just lay in bed and try to shut off my thoughts, but I’m never successful.
I try to replace the thoughts with happier, better thoughts.. and this works momentarily until my brain sparks the next triggering thought and the cycle starts again.
Often times a song triggers me, or a smell, or a tv show, or even a time of day.
Sometimes it’s a random memory that pops into my head.
Or something makes me laugh and I want to text him and tell him about it but I can’t.
It’s exhausting to try to make sure I don’t hear certain things or see certain things in order to prevent triggering a memory that will then trigger sadness which then leads to tears that don’t stop for the entire day.
I’ve been teaching myself how to recognize the hurt, feel it for a minute, then swiftly move on.

The last three months have felt like the longest three months of my life.
So much has happened, all while I’ve felt frozen inside my body, observing from an outside perspective.

Towards the end of August is when I started to have the realizations that would ultimately change my perspective going forward.

Around that time, I went to this gathering.
-let’s call it a drum circle for the sake of simplicity-
It was at a local farm about 5 minutes from my condo.
I found out about the drum circle from a client & friend who I’ve recently become closer with.
I agreed to meet her and her group of friends there on a Saturday night after work.
When that Saturday rolled around, I was trying to come up with excuses not to go when I mentioned it to my neighbor & friend, Lorin.
& she said.. “Are you kidding? We have to go to that!!”

If you’re isolating & depressed… you need to find yourself a Lorin.

We get to Earthman Farm, & it turns out Lorin is friends with the leader of the drum circle, his name is Daniel.
Daniel would lead the group thru chants with beats and melodies he’d made up himself.
I sat in one of the many comfy, mismatched chairs placed around the room & observed.
I watched people absolutely lose themselves in the sounds.

At the end of the concert, we were guided to a table set up with 4 jars, each labeled to represent one of the 4 directions; N, S, E, & W.
We were invited to write down any goals, manifestations, things we wanted to let go of.. etc. on little pieces of paper.
We were told to put our papers in the corresponding jar that we were the most pulled to.
Then we would take our jars & burn the papers in a ceremonial bon fire to close the night.
I was pulled to North, so I put my piece of paper in the North jar.

After we burned our manifestations, most people began to file out and head home.
I stayed until half past 2am, talking to Daniel by the fire.
I asked him about his journey and how he got to be the person he is today.
So confident and self-assured. Unshaken by opinions and unapologetic in his essence.
Daniel shared with me that he almost died when he was in his early 20s, but cured himself holistically thru his own deeper understanding of himself and his body thru the teachings of astrology.
He’s traveled all over this world.
He’s ascended to becoming a teacher of yoga, astrology, and spirituality.
He’s connected countless people who are also seeking that deeper understanding within themselves.
He’s met the Dalai Lama.
He’s on his 4th self-produced album.
He learned how to heal himself from his past traumas so he can squeeze the absolute most out of his life.
& currently, he’s been called here, to Earthman Farm in Vernon, to help raise money to save the land for the family of the owner of the farm who is unfortunately in his old age, battling cancer right now.
Daniel does the concerts as a way of connection, as well as donations for the farm owner.

It was a very ‘far out’ night, and I’m really glad Lorin talked me into going.

Even though I wasn’t chanting and dancing in the middle of the room, I definitely felt different after being in that energy and talking to so many people who have journeyed longer & farther than I have.
We’re all just here trying to teach ourselves, & each of us is so vastly different intellectually.
I remember talking to someone while writing down my manifestation about how I hate all the intrusive chaotic thoughts that run thru my head all day.
I told this person how badly I wished I could stop them or shut that part of my brain off.
The person looked back at me, and with an almost parental tone he replied
“You know, you don’t have to hold space for every thought you have…”
For some reason, this was news to me.

On this day I began to train myself not to hold space for certain thoughts, but to just observe them and move on.

Shortly after the night at Earthman Farm,
I remember having a moment of clarity where my body started to vibrate and a voice came thru.

“Why are you putting all your focus on people and thoughts that don’t matter?
Imagine what you could do if you put that amount of focus into yourself and the things you care about!”

It was like some spirit on a different plane was energetically slapping me in the face.
This idea of not focusing on things that don’t matter is probably straight forward for most people.
For me it was like some grand epiphany to think I could just stop holding space for certain thoughts.
No wonder why I can’t focus on things that truly matter.
I realized it’s because my mind is so occupied with the thoughts of the past and the worries of the future that there’s no space for anything else.

I started to let go of the tiny branch I was clinging to.
The one that was keeping me drowning in the past and mourning the loss of the life I thought I was building with someone who I thought I knew.

On this day, I started to come back to myself.
I know it won’t be an instant switch – this is going to be a literal journey and I don’t know how long it will take.
I’m overwhelmed at the thought.

My short-term goal is to get to a point where I’m not instantly sad when I wake up.
I want to get to a point where I don’t have to remind myself how awfully I was treated because my brain only wants me to remember the beautiful times.
I want to be settled into a healthy and productive routine; booked out at work, multiple income streams, flying 3-4 times per week, hour building.
That’s my ideal right now – however long it takes, I’m starting to see the vision.

I still miss the good version of us.
It’s wild how we would have been getting married next week.
If you would have told me last year, while we were in the ICU (the second or third time I saved my ex’s life), that in a year we’d be broken up, no contact, pretty much hating each other…
I would have cried,
but a small part of me would have probably believed you.

What can I do?
I can’t change time.
Can’t change people who don’t want to change.
All I can really do is be gentle with myself.
Give myself the grace I need to get thru the heartbreak.
Build & strengthen my own boundaries because no one will do that for me.
Come to my own rescue because no one is coming to save me.
Decenter men and center money, success, & focus.

The next guy that wants a chance with me is gonna have to treat me better than I treat myself.

Until that man comes around and shows me he’s worth being allowed into my energy, my empire, my kingdom… the doors are shut, locked, and reinforced with fire-breathing dragons.

I’m willing to wait it out for someone that isn’t a liar, isn’t a cheater or an alcoholic, doesn’t have unhealed trauma and black holes in his heart… I’m willing to wait.
I’ll be here in my power, building my life into a grandiose fever dream in the meantime.

It’s time to remember I’m the fucking prize.