I have been blessed to receive support and love from friends and family.
Yet I still focus on the people that have abandoned me in my greatest time of need.
People I thought I could count on.
People I thought were in it for the long haul.
People I’ve called my best friends, but have seemingly been absent from my life for the last 2-3 months.
& I’m talking.. like not even a simple phone call.
I guess I can’t truly label those people my best friends anymore.
Let alone friends. Let alone anything really.
I’m having a hard time letting them go, but what choice do I have?
No reason to keep people around only to be continuously disappointed by them.
I guess one of my lessons has been to stop seeking help and support from people who simply are not capable of offering it.
It’s ok if they choose to walk a different path, I’m just not going that way, so this is where we part.
I believe I’ve been somewhat of a mirror for them, which is why I’ve been ghosted.
They prefer to stay in toxic cycles and ghost anyone that reflects the accuracy of their situation.
I’ve tried to be there, to give advice, to protect them.
I’ve realized that is not my purpose.
It is not my purpose to protect anyone from their own karma.
That karma is theirs to move thru, as I’m moving through my own.

It’s crazy for me to think about who would have been standing next to me at my wedding.. and how literally not one of those people are here now that it’s all fallen apart.
I should be glad to realize what I’ve realized now, rather than realize everything down the line, when I’m in so deep that the wound may never close.

The wound is closing.. but very slowly.
I need to stop pouring salt on it, to be honest.
Some days I am my own worst enemy.
Some days I can’t look in the mirror because I’m so angry at myself.
My life coach always says “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”
I wish I could see that now.
Some days I can see it… but other days I’m just so angry.
I’m angry at people for wasting my time.
I’m angry at myself for allowing that time to be wasted.
I’m angry at people for baiting and switching up on me, leading me to believe we were on the same team, when in reality they were hoping and praying for my downfall,
popcorn in hand watching it unfold.
I’m angry at the witnesses who could have stepped in but didn’t.
(I guess it wasn’t their karma to protect me, right?)
Some days I’m just so fucking angry.

Some days I’m so sad that I have to will myself out of bed, or buy something frivolous I can’t afford
in hopes to distract myself from the sadness for just a few minutes.
Some days I want to give up.

But then the universe steps in.

Today I woke up to a bunch of emails regarding a tireless legal matter I’m currently in the midst of handling.
I was instantly put into stress mode.
I leapt out of bed and opened my laptop to try to take care of it all at once. (unrealistic)
I couldn’t focus, which made me more angry.

A few minutes later I realized “oh shit I have a dentist appointment!”
I threw on a hoodie and ran out the door, flustered and beyond annoyed.
Truthfully, I was counting on a nice, quiet morning sipping my iced coffee in my garden.
The universe had other plans for me.
I walked into my dentist’s office with steam coming out of my ears, and as I checked in and sat down, the song “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor began to play over the speakers in the ceiling.
I laughed.

A bit later I got home and checked my ForeFlight app, realizing the weather was not showing signs of improvement, so I wouldn’t be flying my darling C172 today.
A big bummer because getting in the air has been the cure for any and all sadness, anger, and anxiety lately.
Flying saves my life twice a week.
I could either reschedule my lesson or I could hunker down and get a very dense ground lesson (Aeronautical Charts) crossed off my increasingly long “to-do” list for my Private Pilot requirements.
Despite my brain being a scrambled mess, I decided on the latter.
4 hours later, I’m that much closer to being done with my Stage 1 requirements.
Honestly, no matter what I’m doing in aviation.. I’m so happy.
I’ve never been a great student but when it comes to airplanes… give me all of it.
Simple or complicated, I want all the knowledge I can get.
And I did get to fly Foxtrot Alpha the day prior, so at least I got a nice 1.8 in for the week.
I also got 6 landings in at a brand new airport in Sullivan County.

I’m feeling confident with my pattern work, and I keep repeating the steps as if it’s my mantra; “crosswind, downwind, base, final, crosswind, downwind, base, final…”
I felt so excited and accomplished after landing back at 4N1 on Monday that it motivated me to cross that long ground lesson off my Stage Checklist today.
I swear, if I hadn’t found flying when I did, I do not know where I would be right now.
Weird how things seem to work out that way, huh?

I’ve also recently become hyper-aware of what my body wants and needs.
I invested in a Gen3 Oura Ring, which is like a Fitbit but way cuter.
This little gold ring that sits on my finger tells me everything that’s going on inside.
It monitors my sleep patterns, my stress levels, my activity, my blood oxygen levels, all the things.
It’s been really cool to get to know the patterns that take place inside me throughout my nights and days without me realizing.
I’ve started going to bed and waking up at sequential times each day, I’m aware of my readiness to take on certain challenges, and I’m alerted when I need to take a breather in order to recalibrate and think a little clearer.
The only thing I wish my Oura ring had the capability of doing, is putting a stop to the constant nightmares I can’t seem to shake.
They are literally destroying my sleep, and I can’t stop them no matter what I do.
I wake up in a cold sweat every single morning, having to gently nurse myself back into my mind, and tell myself I’m okay, I’m here, it’s all good.
That shit gets exhausting.
If you’ve ever had lucid dreams, you know.

Some days are humorous because my ring alerts me that my stress levels are “elevated”, which I obviously can tell from how frantic I am running around all sweaty trying to put out 4 fires at once.

What I really need to remember is that, I’m doing the best I can right now.
When I beat myself up for only putting out 3 fires instead of 4, I’m hurting myself.
I’m only sabotaging my own progress and there’s no need for that because I carry enough weight without putting extra on my back unnecessarily.
Being overwhelmed is a choice.
Being sad and angry are choices.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but that is the reality of life on Earth.
When we are faced with challenge after challenge, life can begin to feel like a personal attack on us.
That isn’t what challenges are meant to bring fourth.
The universe forces us into situations in order to prove to us that we can overcome ridiculous obstacles.
We can walk thru hell step by step, burning the skin off our feet, yet continue to walk in order to come out on the other side.
The skin will regenerate.
We will come out of it bruised and battered, but also smarter and hardened for what else life throws our way.

Another huge thing when it comes to self-sabotage is comparison.
I find it so unfair that we are pre-programmed from birth to live life according to this imaginary set of rules written by god knows who 5 million years ago.
Be born.
Be good.
Do well in school.
Go to college.
Get a good job.
Get married.
Have kids by a certain age.
Raise kids to repeat the pattern.
Die alone in some nursing home somewhere.
If you deviate, you’re weird. You’re unworthy. No one wants you. You’ll never be a mother/father.
As if that is the only reason we’re here — like.. whhha???
How fucking sad to think that the only reason we are here is to procreate.
Maybe I’m bitter that I never found my happy ending.
But maybe my happy ending isn’t a person, or a screaming, pooping blob(s).
Maybe my happy ending looks entirely different than everyone else’s around me.
Maybe yours does too.
This doesn’t mean we’re not worthy of having all that someday.. if we want it of course.
It means that God, Source, the Universe, whoever.. has a different plan for us.
And it feels wrong to deviate.
Most times people ignore their true essence because they think they have to follow these rules to be happy.
And maybe they are happy.. but that doesn’t mean those rules are the only path to happiness.
I know, because I battle with this daily.

At the end of my life, do I want to be alone? Of course not. Humans are by nature, social beings.
But do I want to live my one and only life according to an age old made-up set of rules?
Of course the fuck not.
Comparisons are poison if we let them overtake our thoughts.
You will feel unworthy if you constantly compare yourself.
Especially to people on social media, for example.
Comparing yourself to that ridiculous trad wife on TikTok that makes sunscreen from scratch in lingerie? Like… please.
Let’s all call social media what it is for once… BULLSHIT.
You are not a bad mom for feeding your kids processed foods.
You are not an unworthy human if you don’t even want kids.
You are not a bad person if you haven’t found someone to “do life with” by your 30s.
You are not a reject if you don’t ever want to get married.
You are whatever you tell yourself you are.

So, starting today,
tell yourself you’re a bad bitch who can take all the shit life throws at you, ball it up,
& throw it right the fuck back and say
“Yes, and?? What else you got for me cause I can fucking handle anything.”
I am unshakable.
I am unstoppable.
I am an Alpha.
Then, day by day, begin to embody those words.
Say them out loud.
Try your best to believe them even on the hardest days.
The reality is, the universe will push you in the direction that is meant for you.
It might be a really turbulent flight to get there, but one way or another, you will get there.
You cannot allow yourself to crash and burn.

I’m trying to channel my anger into empowerment, and as everything else, some days it’s easy and other days it’s nearly impossible.
But I don’t let the impossible days shape the easy ones.
I cannot allow myself to crash and burn.
Much like learning to control and fly a plane, I’m learning to control my life and fly it to the destination I’m meant to end up at.
And the uncomfortable truth is, I have no idea where that final destination is.
I have no idea where I’ll be in ten, five, three, or even one year from now.
I have no idea what I truly want.
I have no vision as of now.
All I have is one day at a time.

Everyone on this ride with me, thank you.
Everyone I’ve lost along the way, thank you.

All I can do is reaffirm that I am where I need to be.
What happened for me over the course of my 32 year lifespan has ultimately led me here.
So all I can do is be here, now.
A tangled, messy, angry, sad, insecure, unsure, fucking shit show of a person, just trying to figure it all out.

I’m learning to give myself the grace I would give to the 4 year old version of me, who was deprived of so much emotional support, so much love, cast aside and made to feel unwanted as a child.
Made fun of and tortured in school until she became so resentful and mean to everyone in return, including herself.
In fact, she was the meanest to herself.
I’m learning to do this for her.
To keep going for that little girl.
Because she is me, I am her. And I will take care of her.
I will carry her on my back thru this hell until we get to the other side.
I will not allow anyone to hurt her, disrespect her, violate her, or break her boundaries ever again.

She deserves that.