I’ve had to start over quite a few times in my adult life.
I always seem to relive the same lesson of ignoring red flags and making excuses for being treated poorly.
Lately I’ve been trying to dive deeper into the root of this lesson constantly being relived because -holy shit- after this one I don’t think I have much hope left for happily ever afters.

The unfortunate truth about working in a small town is that everyone knows everyone and everyone’s business.
I debated writing out any feelings I had in regards to this situation, but at this point if there’s going to be a false narrative put out on one side, I may as well tell my side too.
This relationship was pretty public from the start. I should have known better with that.
I was just blind sided by happiness and what I thought was a love I’d never experienced before.
I thought this was it for me, I really did.

I used to have these awful dreams in the beginning where he’d be so mean to me.
I’d wake up sweating and then sigh a huge breath of relief when I realized the dream wasn’t real.
I’d joke to him about how he has this terrible alter ego in my dreams and we’d laugh about it together.
That’s something I miss the most. We used to wake up laughing.. everyday was just a good day.
No one had to try to make it easy, it just was.
We flowed so well right away that I was convinced I had manifested my soul mate.

As time went on and I fell deeper in love with this man, I fell in love with his kids too.
That’s another thing that keeps me up late and wakes me up early.
I miss those kids so much. I would have been the best step mom in the entire world to them.

Now.. aftermath is that I’m not even sure if I want kids of my own anymore.
I’m not sure if it was partially the trauma from this situation, or the fact that I’ve never truly envisioned myself as a parent full time.. making lunches and cleaning up barf and shit..

I have to keep them out of my mind because if I don’t, it’s like mental torture.
I miss them in a way that causes me physical pain.
I don’t look at pictures, I can’t.
I don’t scroll right now because my heart fractures when I see them.
I don’t listen to certain songs right now either, I have to protect my heart.
My heart is so bruised and flattened right now, that anything triggering will destroy me.
I can’t function that way.

Then I think about how it ended.
I think about how scared I was. For weeks.
How scared I was the last time we saw each other.
How the damage to my property reminds me of his rage every time I open my front door.

I think about how I trusted him enough to bring my business into his.
I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I trusted he’d never put me in a tough position out of spite.
I was wrong.
I think about how he blamed me for all of it afterwards.
As if I deserved to be kicked out in the middle of the day, with my appointment in the waiting area watching it all go down.
As if I deserved to have my clientele of 15 years left to think I took some other job and didn’t tell any of them.
As if I deserved to have half my stuff thrown in bags and the other half stolen.
As if I deserved to be screamed at on an open salon floor during business hours.
Honestly, I’m happy to take a temporary pay cut if it means working in a professional environment.
I always hated going into his business hoping no one said anything offensive or inappropriate in front of one of my clients.
After all that happened and I was left shaking and panicked, he tried to deny it.
Just like he tried to deny breaking my door in.
I certainly don’t have the strength to cause that amount of damage so
next time you’re gonna lie, don’t leave evidence behind.

There’s a difference between two people remembering a situation differently, and two people remembering two entirely different situations.
I know what happened.
In fact I can’t get it out of my mind.
I relive those moments over and over every single day.
I know for a fact I didn’t just get up and leave that shop because I “didn’t want to fold a towel”, or I “took another job”, or whatever narrative he thinks people will believe.
The people that really know me already know that.
But it still keeps me up at night.. the level of gaslighting is expert.
In one day, I lost the idea of what my future was going to look like, and my career that I worked to make successful for 15 years. Both were just ripped out from under me.
I was told that if I hadn’t done x, y, and z he never would have done what he did and I can just apologize and come back to the shop like nothing happened.
“No one knows why you haven’t come back yet.” of course they know, but they value their jobs and will stand by you, as expected.
“No one was even in the barbershop at the time.” every one of us had a client, and there were two clients in the waiting area as well as a mother with two young sons who all saw what happened.
At one point he was yelling at me non-stop so loudly that one of the barbers came over and closed the barn door.
Tell me again how no one was in the shop.
Tell me again how you politely told me that “If I’m not happy here I can go.”
No, baby. We aren’t going to lie on me anymore.

What he didn’t realize was that although I am loyal to a fault, there are certain things I can’t get past.
If someone makes you feel small, leave.
If someone makes you cry, say goodbye.
If someone devalues you, thank you, next.
But most of all, if someone knows they hurt you and they either continue to hurt you, or worse..
they blame you for “making them” do whatever it is they did to you… fucking run.
No it isn’t your fault.
No it isn’t on you to fix someone.
No you don’t have to live on an empty cup to keep someone else’s filled.

Reprogram all of it.

I told myself I’d stay as busy as possible, and I have.
There are days like yesterday where I’m so productive and get so much accomplished that I barely have time to think about how sad I am.

I left the house early yesterday to interview for a potential new employment opportunity.
I knew I’d be able to walk into any salon and get a chair, but I had high hopes for this particular one.
It’s new, and already recognized for having some of the best decor in the world.
The stylists are professional, put together, and work as a team.
The room for expansion is massive.
I can do a 4 day work week and still maintain pilot school.
My clients will feel so pampered and taken care of in comparison to the conditions they’re used to.
The commute is different, I’m in the same town but on the other side.
I think this change is positive in many ways.
Is it going to be a huge adjustment? Absolutely.
Will it be worth it in the long run? Absolutely.

So with a new job nailed down,
new color lines to study and learn,
a new schedule to get accustomed to,
gathering all my clientele information,
relaying the message to as many people as I can where to find me,
flying twice a week, studying for flight school everyday,
and preparing for the upcoming airshow at my airport next weekend,
I am very busy.
But I’m the kind of busy where it truly feels like I am living for me.
I’m following my own dreams for once, not someone else’s.
I’m number one, not number 3 or 4.
I’m the pilot of my life now.
Both literally and figuratively.

I’m thankful I’ve been able to keep myself busy because I am not someone who idles well at all.
I get deep in my mind and slip back into the euphoric recall of the good times.
The trips, the inside jokes, the memories.
I’ll hold them close and hopefully one day it won’t hurt so bad to have them be triggered by something.
I don’t think I’m quite there yet.
Replacement is what’s keeping me grounded.
Replace the past with the present.
Maybe the past was amazing and wonderful, but it’s the past.. and it wasn’t all amazing and wonderful.

The only thing that matters is here and now.
How do I feel today?
What do I need today?
How can I make today great?

Even though starting over seems scary at first, it isn’t really starting over.
It’s like opening a new chapter in a long, poetic novel.
It’s taking all the old lessons and using them to guide you like a roadmap.

Maybe the last time I started over, it took 6 months to bounce back.
Well this time it’ll be 3 months.
I’ll learn my lessons, take my knowledge, listen to my intuition, and surrender.
If I don’t do this on my own,
the universe will find ways to force me onto the path that was meant for me regardless.
Personal experience.

Life is art, learn to romanticize it,
even when you’re in your blue period.