Who else out there is wildly insecure?
Maybe it’s just my generation being raised on shows like “The Swan” and “America’s Next Top Model” that imbedded the world’s deepest insecurities within my impressionable adolescent soul way too early.
Growing up watching men and women be judged and valued solely based upon their looks caused a lot more harm than we all realized at the time.
I can only speak for myself, but I vividly remember watching The Swan with my mom when it came on prime time, basic cable channel 5.
If you aren’t familiar with The Swan, it was an American reality tv series that only ran for 18 episodes during 2004.
Each episode followed 2 self-proclaimed “ugly ducklings” who, over the course of a three-month period, would experience extreme makeovers from a team that would include dentists, cosmetic surgeons, therapists, and a trainer.
At the end of the series, the women are forced into a beauty competition where they are judged on who had the greatest transformation, first place winner being named “The Swan”.
If you’re too young to remember, or haven’t ever seen this show, consider looking up snip-its of the episodes on YouTube for shits and gigs… or possibly only to reference this blog because trust me… the nostalgia of how problematic pop culture was back then is worth the search.

Although The Swan was super problematic, let us not forget American’s Next Top Model,
where Tyra Banks would berate and tear down aspiring young models (teenage girls),
on national prime time television.. until they cried.
To think that I sat and watched literally hours of these shows with my mom makes me wonder what beauty standards I would have idealized had I not been exposed to content like that so young.
Some of my most impressionable years were spent watching shows like Nip/Tuck and Dr. 90210, where people would pick apart any little flaw and run to their surgeon’s office to correct it as soon as possible.
I was led to believe that this kind of behavior was not only normal, but attainable, & in most cases worth the emotional and financial stress.
I mean let’s be real, there are many reasons why people opt for plastic surgery despite the stigma, cost, and risks involved.
Reasons like having children and wanting to feel secure and sexy in your skin again.
Reasons like a terrible accident that left a person in need of corrective procedures.
Or maybe a reason as simple as you just don’t like how your lips disappear when you smile, so you go get lip filler.
Surgery is a quick, easy fix for things that could otherwise take years to change, or things that you simply cannot change naturally.

God help today’s young generation.
Not only do they have all of social media to teach them how to “be beautiful”, but they have millennial moms taking them into Sephora for skin care.
I’m sorry but a 10 year old has no business buying retinols and toners.. stop this madness.
We were the generation of Wet & Wild lip gloss and Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse that was 3 shades too dark… what are you doing letting your pre-teen choose from some of the highest end skin care items when they don’t even know how to properly use them yet? STOP IT.
I envy today’s teenagers for never having an ‘awkward phase’.
I also believe, and this is the main one, social media filters contributed majorly to spotlighting insecurities.
Once filters started becoming more advanced, and settings allowed me to actually see myself with all my flaws altered & erased, looking at my old face in the mirror suddenly felt awful.
I hated editing all my photos until I felt they looked good enough.
I hated taking 29302485 selfies and maybe liking 1 or 2.
I hated how I began to see myself approaching 30 as that old, tired hag.
I started to really focus on that insecurity even though it was so far from the truth!
Eventually it became hard to not think about how I saw myself,
especially when I knew I could do something to immediately make myself feel better.

At the time, 2019-2020, corrective under-eye filler hadn’t been perfected the same way it is now.
I thought that if I didn’t have such deep indents and dark circles under my eyes, I wouldn’t look so tired and old.
I was recommended a doctor who was one of the only doctors approved to perform the procedure in northern NJ back then.
I was barely making any money working at a small salon, but I saved up for months and finally booked in my appointment for under-eye filler.
I had never been more excited for anything.
As I anxiously awaited the day of the appointment, I watched dozens of videos about the before care, after care, and what to expect results wise.
When the day came, I drove to the office and excitedly awaited my name to be called.
The procedure was quick & more painful than I expected (duh, it’s needles going into your face).
Once I was done I ran out to my car with ice packs under my eyes, eager to flip my visor mirror and see a new young, awakened me.
I noticed minimal differences, if any.
Once the swelling went down, those minimal differences turned into non-existent ones.
For $600, I felt royally ripped off.
After that, I decided to shift focus from my physical appearance and tried to forget about beauty standards for a while.
I’d continue to take photos when I looked my best, then just edit them into oblivion.
Plus between the cost and the extremely minimal results I experienced, the process wasn’t worth it to me at 28.
Instead of a quick fix, I decided that I’d get into top physical shape, worry less about how I look, and rather focus on how I feel.

This worked for a while, until the big 3-0 birthday began creeping up on me again.
By this time, filler procedures had been mastered and even more normalized than before.
Places called “Med-Spas” started popping up all over.. (2021-2022)
I started to get ads on all my socials for local med-spas, so my curiosity & hope only grew.
I was heavily altering my photos to make my features appear the way I wanted post makeover.

Before anyone comes for me, I’m aware that these images aren’t identical images.
However, this comparison stands because these photos were taken on the same day probably moments apart.
The original on the left is totally fine, and looking back I have no idea why I felt the need to edit it so much.
The photo on the right is what got posted to my instagram. Why? The world may never know.
Perhaps it was for external validation.
Perhaps it was to show my ex how much hotter I am without him.
If I go back to this time period on my insta, it’s very interesting to see the old me, physically “natural” but very edited and insecure, vs. the “new” me, who’s not entirely all natural, but decently secure, confident, and empowered.. most days.

During this time, I developed a routine of taking a thousand pictures, only liking a few enough to post, editing the living shit out of them for an hour, mastering the art of learning how to make the absurdly edited photos look unedited… if this sounds like a shit ton of work, believe me it is.. and then posting the final photo for my 309 followers to give it a whopping 16 likes.
Eventually, I became annoyed and exhausted by the process.

I wanted to be able to have candids taken of me enjoying a night out and not have to untag myself because I hate the way I look so much.
I would get told how tired I looked on a weekly basis.
I almost never got ID’d buying wine or drinks at a bar.
I vividly remember one man who worked at a liquor store guessing my age was 38.
I was 28 at the time, so to be told by some random man that I looked a decade older than I actually was, traumatized me completely.
This is when I began looking into cosmetic surgery once again.
This time I wanted to do more than a slight adjustment.
Over 2-3 years, my insecurities had literally eaten away at my brain, and convinced me I needed to change more than just my under-eyes.

I was definitely unsure where to begin, but I decided that for my 30th birthday I would save up money to get whatever done to my face that would make me look the way my edited photos looked online.
I didn’t do enough research I guess, because the first med-spa I went to absolutely robbed me, AND totally botched my face.
I found them online, based on good reviews (hilarious in retrospect), and how close they were to my home.
I sat down with a woman who was very beautiful, whether she was all natural or not I don’t know, but working in a med-spa I’d probably have to guess she was not.
I told her I want my under-eyes to not look so old and tired.
She agreed and said filler is the best option, and that I also need it in my cheeks, lips, and temples.
Also, she said, “While we’re at it, let’s do botox!”
I said “Yes I’m in, whatever you think.” Big mistake. First red flag.
The woman then lets me know they can fit me in almost immediately… second red flag.
I book in and they bring me a bill, stating they need a 50% deposit to hold the spot.
I agree, and pay an obscene amount of money, trusting entirely that I was making a good decision.
Thinking back, all of this is actually crazy.
The day of the appointment comes and I pay the remaining money.
I get seated in a small but very clean room, and proceed to get literally frosted with numbing cream like a cupcake. Third red flag.
Regardless of how hilariously unprofessional the application of the numbing cream was, I wasn’t yet aware that when dermal filler is done, numbing cream should not be applied to the skin because it causes temporary inflammation in certain areas, giving the client uneven and unpredictable results once the filler settles.
Spoiler alert; this is exactly what happened to me.
As my results healed, my face was developing an almost lop-sided appearance.
This was either a direct result of the massive amount of numbing cream they put on me, or the fact that the injector put SO much filler in my face and didn’t map a single thing out beforehand.
She used probably 8 boxes and I was in and out in 10 minutes.
She barely massaged anything either.. if you know, you know.
I even remember asking why she was doing it all so fast, but I can’t remember her exact answer.

I knew something was wrong.
I went back into the office for my 4 week follow-up.
After stating my concerns to the office staff, I was told by the same girl who frosted my face with numbing cream that my face “Just isn’t symmetrical.”
I was like “Uh DUH that’s why I came here in the first place and paid you a ridiculously unjustifiable sum of money babe.”
So the injector redid my lips and I think possibly my under-eyes that day because I refused to leave or pay another cent until they right their wrongdoings.
Truth be told, I can’t even remember specifically what happened after the follow-up because the entire experience in that place was so awful from start to finish.
After all that I waited 3 months before booking in at a more reputable med-spa to get a second opinion on the work I had done.

I walked into this beautiful, luxurious, massively high end med-spa about 45 minutes from my house. Based upon thousands of great reviews (with photos), I had booked in with the highest recommended injector in the place. (Shout out to my girl Michele – you are an artist)
As she examined my face, this goddess of a woman let me know that I had indeed been royally ripped off, again.
The work I had done at the other med-spa was shit.
Lumps of filler on one side of my lips and nothing on the other side.
Lumps of uneven filler on my cheek bones.
Even the botox I had done at the first spa wasn’t done deep enough, so it didn’t take, yet I paid for it.
I was flabbergasted and somewhat embarrassed of my naivety.
I had little to no knowledge about this world of cosmetic enhancements, and looking back I’m now aware that I was preyed upon and taken advantage of due to my many insecurities at the time.
That’s what the billion dollar beauty industry does though, they create new insecurities in us, prey upon those insecurities, and we continue to buy into it all.

After having my face corrected, I stopped messing around in the world of cosmetic enhancements.
I think had my eyebrows micro-bladed somewhere after or within that time period… but that was mainly so I didn’t have to always fill them in, being a victim of the XTINA brows of the early 2000s.
I was and still am completely satisfied with the small adjustments I’ve had, and want nothing further.
I don’t regret the decision I made to alter certain things about myself, but I do absolutely regret not doing enough research before going to the first place and getting work done that was not up to parr.
I’m so thankful nothing worse came out of that initial experience.
I’d like my story to serve as a cautionary tale for anyone out there who is a first-timer considering cosmetic work. Do your homework and you’ll be fine.

That being said, after 2-3 years of maintenance appointments I put an old picture and a new picture of myself side by side and noticed how much my appearance has really changed over time.
2020 vs. 2024

I guess I never looked back long enough to compare my before and after images side by side.
Looking back isn’t something I enjoy doing.
Looking solely at my facial features, and ignoring the mental milestones I was walking during this period in time, the difference between the two images really shook me.
I processed this side by side for a long time before deciding to look at it a little deeper.

In the moment, the stages of our lives seem so long.. almost like we’re standing still.
Then we blink and all these things have happened and people have left scars and imprints on us that we wear everyday regardless of whether or not we want to.
Most would look at these two images and say that they aren’t the same person.
Maybe related, but not the same.
Old me has a heaviness to her.
Old me looks like she’s been put through it over and over again, & life has aged her prematurely.
New me has a glow to her; she is more confident and sure of herself.
New me has evolved from a hallow shell to a stronger version of herself, maybe not totally fulfilled, but much closer than she was 4 years ago.
Though a lot of this transformation into a new me was surface deep, there’s been an immeasurable amount of work that was done on the inside.
Over the last 4 years I’ve really learned who I am.
I’ve learned who I’m definitely not.
I’ve learned to set boundaries and choose myself.
Love myself first regardless of who I lose in that process.

& guess what.. anyone who falls away during your inner bloom was not meant to be in this new season with you.

My therapist compared the hurt I’m currently processing to a slingshot.
She said “The further back you think life pulls you, the further it is going to thrust you forward. Get ready”
Sometimes the shittiest events in life lead to the grandest transformations.
As grateful as I am that Michele was able to fix my face after my insecurities pressured me into making a rash and uneducated decision, I truly believe that the real transformation and glow came when I solidified the promise to choose myself when no one else does.
Every time I acted on and kept that promise to myself, my glow got a little bit brighter.
I showed up for myself everyday.
I got plenty of sleep and allowed my mind to rest and reset.
I followed through with my fitness practice, as well as mindful mediation and writing.
I started eating fresh foods, even foods I’ve grown in my own garden.
This transformation has been years of compiled self-awareness, mindful choices, and self-love.
I was alarmed at first, looking at those images side by side, but then I realized that a lot of the glow I have now, exists because I chose myself.
I didn’t need to look for it in a doctor’s office or med-spa.
I became what I deserved, just like I promised myself I would.

As far as any other cosmetic enhancements, I’m totally.. 100% good.
I love myself as is.. and honestly I’m terrified of any major surgeries
or of something else going wrong in terms of procedures.. so this is where I settle into 2024 me.
She’s the shiny new version of a recovering sad girl.
She’s the version that does as she pleases, trusting the universe has her back always.
She posts unedited pictures on her social medias.
She’s the painter of her own soul garden, watering it and nurturing it each day until the only thing around her is beauty.