If I could sit my past self down, hold her by her hands,
and tell her everything she’d learn during her time here on Earth, I would.
I’d manage her expectations.
I’d let her know that this year, like many others, will be painful. Confusing. Isolating.
If I could sit my past self down, I’d hold her tight, & help her through the pain.
I’d offer perspective having moved through these moments already.
Through the tears and rage, I’d also describe the profound happiness, limitless joy,
and the exponential growth she has yet to experience.
I’d play her favorite songs that she hasn’t heard yet.
Show her pictures from her favorite travel destinations that she hasn’t yet explored.
I’d validate the unknown outcomes of all the choices she’s made that kept her up at night,
wondering if they were the right ones.

From where I sit in this present moment I decided to write to past Michelle,
in an effort to clarify some things.

Dear past Michelle,
It was almost a year ago today that your life changed forever.
You found yourself in the most beautiful place, in love, fulfilled, & hungry for whatever life had to offer.
He asked, and you said yes.
You were on top of the world but deep down, you felt this feeling of extreme vulnerability.
You ignored it, hoping it was just anxiety or fear of the unknowns.
Looking back, you realize your intuition was just trying to keep you grounded.

You never dreamed of marriage or weddings, but now here we are, so let’s have fun with it.

You start to plan and make decisions, but soon realize something feels off.
The best way to describe the feeling was that it felt like an act.
“Ok this is what I’m supposed to do now..” kept ringing in your head.
You’d go through the motions but never felt like you were being true to yourself.

Remembering the day you decided to tell your mom you didn’t want a wedding, but that you wanted to elope;
You described a simple private ceremony on a beach, somewhere hard to find on a map, barefoot, no frills, just you and him, easy.
She sat across the dinner table from you and cried, indirectly begging you to go through with the wedding for the sake of the family.
Being the people pleaser that you are, you folded and agreed to pursue a traditional beginning to married life,
which in her eyes meant, an exorbitantly expensive party for people you only see once or twice a year.
You tried to be excited, but as time passed on, you couldn’t shake the feeling of a traditional wedding just not being ‘for you’.
You thought that since most of the known traditions wouldn’t apply to you, that you didn’t deserve any of it.
It was easier to think about eloping because then you wouldn’t have to count on anyone making that day good or bad.
You wouldn’t have to count on people showing up for you.
If you went the traditional route… things were going to come up that you didn’t want to face.
Early on you realized you had no bridal party.
You’d never been good at making and keeping friends, but you didn’t know why.
This would start to really bother you.
You had one friend who agreed to be the man of honor.
You knew in your heart, if he can’t be there for whatever reason, you will have no one. That made you nervous.
You had chosen your officiant early on, being that she played a role in the very start of you and your fiancé’s relationship.
Even though she agreed at first, several months later you’d find out she’s dropped out, but didn’t intend on telling you.
Now you have to scramble to find a stranger to lead the ceremony, which is supposed to be one of the most personal moments of your lives.
Your guest list consists of people that are more or less “obligated” to be there because you were there for them in the past.
You begin to resent the planning process.
You resent planning a lavish party for people who seemingly couldn’t care less to be there.
Your fears about all of it were coming to fruition.
You ask yourself why you’re doing this and you try to convince yourself that it’s because you deserve a beautiful day.
But you don’t believe it.

Your brain will beat your subconscious mind into a pulp for days on end.
You start to forget about what actually matters in all of this and why you said yes in the first place.
“Just cancel this wedding, nobody gives a shit about you.”
“You have no friends that would show up for you.”
“It’s all your fault that you have no one to turn to.”
“You don’t deserve friends, or attention, or validation.”
“You are unworthy of all of this.”
None of this was true, nor the actual root of your fears.

You will try to reach way back, all the way back to your childhood self, and ask her why it’s been so hard since day 1 to maintain any sort of friendships.
Why you seemingly have no one in your corner.
Why a lot of life’s monumental moments to you feel like an act..
You’ll return with nothing, but keep pushing on.

Coming back into the present for a second,
I never would have thought planning a wedding would make me realize all these things,
or open up these old wounds I haven’t given a second thought to in years.
I don’t think I’ve ever blamed myself so much for things I can’t control.
I’ve never gone deeper within myself in search of an answer as to why it’s so hard for me to feel at home on this planet. I just go thru the motions and try to create beauty for myself wherever possible, but it’s always so temporary.
Almost like I’ve watched too many movies about how people are “supposed” to act when certain things happen,
but I can’t seem to form those same feelings or reactions unless I consciously make the choice to.
The same goes for friendships.
My default is defensiveness.
If you screw me over or stab me in the back even one time, I will never talk to you again.
I could love you more than life and literally never talk to you again.
I get that wonderful quality from my mom, AKA the Ice Queen, who has moved through 90% of her life on her own, with no friends anywhere.
If you constantly write off people who hurt you then you’re left with no one, it’s your own fault, right?
Or are we supposed to just keep people who suck around so that when life’s special moments arise, we have people to share them with?
But then if these people really do suck, and genuinely don’t care about you or have your best interest in mind,
why keep them around?
Why do we hold space for people who treat us like garbage?
Is it solely so that we don’t feel alone?
Present 2024 Michelle is still trying to figure that all out but right now it’s still a blur.

Anyway, back to the letter to past Michelle;
2023 was a year of shattered expectations, realizations, isolation, and borderline depression.
The intuitional fears bubbling within you, jarring you awake at night with feelings of hopelessness.
Feelings of abandonment that have been present in you since childhood.
Living with the wound of being an only child whose parents parted ways and for years resented you just for being there.
You were just a little girl, you didn’t understand why no one smiled in your house.
You didn’t understand why your dad would do his best to not be home at night.
You didn’t understand why your mom slept until 1 or 2 in the afternoon most days, leaving you to feed and entertain yourself for hours on end.
You’d find comfort in the families of the brief friendships you’d have throughout grade school.
Families with lots of siblings who ate dinners together and talked about their days.
Their homes always warm with lights on in all the rooms, buzzing with excitement of another day done.
You’d dread going home to your silent room.
Your house always dark as if no love existed there at all.
Sometimes your mom wouldn’t speak to you for weeks.
She was going thru her own personal hell, you just didn’t know.
Once you became a rebellious teenager all hell broke loose.
You never felt heard, seen, held, protected.
You would ache for that feeling, and put trust in people who would take you and rip you open from the inside out.
You’d be left bleeding.
You’d have to sew yourself up and try again tomorrow because no one would be coming to save you.
Into adulthood, this pattern would harden you like scar tissue.
You’d form an impenetrable wall that only those who put in the work would be able to break through.
Very, very few would put in that work.

Somewhere along the way, things deteriorated to a point where you had to step back and ask yourself if you really actually do want this right now… and the answer was an excruciatingly painful relief.. if that makes any sense at all.
Just because you think everyone else has this human thing figured out, doesn’t mean they do.

I know you never zoomed out enough to realize how inherently resilient you are.
This past Christmas, you were told by someone close to you that you always seem to rise from the ashes.
This surprised you because you never thought of yourself in this way, but this person obviously saw something in you that you couldn’t see in yourself.
“Rise from the ashes? When the hell have I done that?”
You asked yourself this question & the answer hit like a Mac truck.
Your entire life has been you rising from the ashes of broken promises, betrayal, intentional maliciousness..
and every time you come back that much more resilient.
You’ve shut people out for so long, maybe now it’s time to go find the ones you’ve held space for.
You’re going to make it through, one way or another.
Trust me, I am with you, & you have no idea how good it’s going to get.

-Future Michelle

Currently, I’m in an age of loneliness, but not for long.
I could be destined to move through life with very few confidantes.
Maybe I just haven’t found my tribe yet.
Or maybe I had to learn, process, and accept all of this as my truth
in order to begin dismantling that wall and letting people in again.
Something about getting older really makes you do a full 360…

So, what do you want?

There are so many things 2024 Michelle has yet to discover;
but somewhere out there future Michelle is writing a letter to her,
mapping it all out in perfect divine timing.
She’ll offer perspective, unconditional love, and validation.
She’ll write about just how good it’s going to get.
She’ll write about the trips, the laughs, the treasured memories we haven’t made yet.
She’ll be waiting for me in that moment with arms wide open.
She told me herself, all while she held me by my hands.