Have you ever felt like your life was falling apart and coming together all at once?

That has been my constant state of consciousness for the last few months.

As I look back on 2023 I can only feel bittersweet about how the year has panned out thus far.
I’ve had some of the best moments of my life happen in the last 10 months.
Things like getting engaged, buying my first luxury vehicle, putting myself first and letting go of relationships that drain me rather than fulfill me. I’ve learned to set boundaries and stick to them. I’ve learned not to apologize so much, especially when I have nothing to be sorry about. I’ve learned to take up space unapologetically in this world and advocate for myself.
I’m still learning countless lessons and working on being a better me.
Currently, I’m learning to allow myself to spend a day or 2 in bed, rest my body and my mind, & not feel guilty about that.
With all the positivity this year brought, there was definitely some negativity sprinkled in.
Maybe a little more negativity than what I’m used to if I’m being honest…

That new luxury vehicle I worked years for? Vandalized in my own parking lot 3 days after I bought it. That sucked mostly because I know who did it, but the justice system is fucked and VPD are all corrupt. I paid my deductible, waited a week, got my car fixed, and now I have to park it in a different lot even though I am a property owner, pay taxes, pay HOA dues, & mind my fucking business. Bottom line there is I unknowingly made a mortal enemy by asking my neighbor to please pick up her dogs shit. To say my condo has run its course in my life is an understatement. I’ve had the displeasure of watching my community go from a quiet, pleasant place to live… to an absolute slum. I’d feel safer in Newark. And to think I pay dues to a USELESS TEAM OF SECURITY PERSONNEL…. the community is an absolute joke and the town keeps raising the cost of living so I know it’s my time to leave. Going home and feeling uneasy and unsafe is the worst fucking feeling man. It eats at me everyday.

Those relationships that I let fall off?
Well, what actually happened was that I made a conscious choice to let go of a long term friend after zooming out of the situation and realizing this person was never my friend to begin with. They’d only ever show up if something was going wrong in my life. Minimal to no effort to meet up or communicate otherwise. The last time we spoke was close to a year ago, I recall picking up the phone for this person. We talked for a while about a specific situation involving a certain man we unfortunately have in common.
*relevant backstory Maybe around 3-4 years ago I was single, ready to mingle, ready to get out and meet a good guy after EXTENSIVE inner work and trauma healing. So my “friend” gives me the green light to talk to this guy she is “best friends” with. In fact, she once described this person, this man she knew, as someone she “loved like a brother”. So with her blessing, I went for it. The man turned out to be a raging alcoholic hoarder who hadn’t paid his taxes since 2008… (thanks for that) & if that wasn’t bad enough, it took me 2 or 3 hang outs to realize he was also… let’s say ‘weirded out’ by my best friend who happens to be an eccentric and amazing gay man whom I love more than life. I cut shit off as soon as I realized my “friend” set me up with someone who was so far behind where I was at the time, that thinking it’d be a good idea to set us up almost seemed intentionally malicious. Like she knew it’d be a literal disaster and just wanted to see what would happen for her own entertainment. *
Now, the reason I thought she had called me that night was to apologize for the whole thing, seeing as they (her and this bestie that she “loves like a brother”) are now together. Dating. Boyfriend and girlfriend. She called me to try to feel out whether or not he’d be welcome at my wedding considering all that went on. I told her I had no hard feelings and that it was as simple as we were not right for each other… but then I heard something that changed my mind. Turns out I was on speaker phone and this man was sitting there listening to the entire conversation and I only figured that out when he cleared his throat and it echoed thru the phone. I had been 2 way call attacked like in mean girls. This fucked me up because we had been talking for almost an hour before I realized someone was listening in, & I would often tell this girl very personal things. Who knows what I disclosed thinking I was only just talking to my friend? That’s a complete invasion of privacy and it gave me the biggest ICK. To this day I don’t know what her true intentions were in having him sit in on that conversation without my knowledge. Did she want me to shit talk him so she could prove I’m just a salty bitch? I’m not, I had zero feelings toward this man good or bad. Did she want me to sing his praises? Give my blessing? That never seemed to matter to her before. I literally had no idea what her deal was, and after processing all of that, talking to my fiancé, (who by the way has only ever seen this “friend” of mine ONCE in our 3 year relationship), and thinking about the 70k I’m about to spend on this wedding, I realized there is no way in hell I want even one person there that doesn’t have my best interest in mind. On my wedding day, I only want people who truly love me and want the best for me to be in my presence and realizing this person was no longer, or quite possibly never was in that handful of humans.. hurts. It still hurts but I continuously have to remind myself that if someone only wants to be in my life when shit’s going really wrong, they don’t belong anywhere near my wedding and definitely don’t deserve to hold space in my life. It took me nearly 13 years to realize this person didn’t want to be my friend, they just wanted a front row seat to the shit shows. That. Sucked. Still does.

Aside from all my personal drama, my fiancé was screwed over in one of the worst ways possible by an ex-employee. This employee was taken in, taught everything, given opportunities, taken on trips, given free education, etc. only to turn around and open up a carbon copy of our business down the street. He then proceeded to take to his instagram stories and shit talk my fiancé and our business to his 1.5k followers… pathetic. But what can you really expect from a 20-something ego-maniac who’s had his hand held thru life?
Watching that situation play out completely sucked and still does, considering this person is still in the same town, doing the same shit, being the worst.
This also created somewhat of a domino affect in the business with the other employees. One left to move away. One left to work at a shop closer to his home. One left to go work for Mr. Ego. At this point, we are down to 2 barbers in a shop that is fitted for 8. That is not good. And it makes me so angry that of all the ways for a business to dissolve, this is how it’s supposed to happen for us? Can’t be. I know my fiancé is hurting, watching his business everyday get a little more quiet.
From where we stand, it’s seeming that the universe is forcing us out of our comfort zones.
If this business was doing the numbers it used to, selling our building wouldn’t even be on the table. However, barbers are scarce and there’s only so long a business can sustain itself on fumes. It is absolutely terrifying to allow my mind to really hone-in and analyze what is happening with that. Our main source of income could be collapsing, in which case I’d cash out and sell my condo so we’d have a lump sum of money between us to start over somewhere else. That’s something I wanted to do a long time before the community went to hell. Between the sale of his building and the sale of my condo, we’d at least have a good safety net for a little while. I’ve been trying to think of this as a blank canvas being laid out for us to paint our lives in whichever way we desire. That’s really the least terrifying way to think about it.

Doesn’t make day to day life any easier, but there is something about having absolutely no idea where you’ll be in six months that’s kind of electrifying.

Aside from all of that, I’m also planning a wedding. That’s been…. interesting.
Planning this wedding is like a roller coaster of emotions for me. Understanding that I have no bridesmaids, basically no friends to invite, probably won’t have a shower or help organizing things and making phone calls.. I became pretty depressed early on in the process. I convinced myself that I didn’t want a wedding after all and that I’d much rather save the money for a house and elope. When I asked my mom if she’d be ok with that decision, she cried. My little, tiny, Italian momma sat across the table from me and cried when I told her I didn’t want the wedding. She told me I’d make the most beautiful bride and that she thinks I would regret not having a wedding. Maybe she’s right, maybe I’d regret not having my grandmothers there to see me marry Gelin. Maybe I’d feel like I missed out on a monumental right of passage. I stressed to my mom how sad the planning has been for me because it’s just me and if I don’t really care or want this big expensive party then I’m not willing to put myself thru the process. The silver lining there was that this conversation was the catalyst for me to realize that my mom had wanted to be included and help me with the process from the beginning. The problem was that how she felt was never voiced to me until I decided to throw in the towel. The entire time since the proposal I had thought she didn’t really want to help with the process at all. She’d been quiet since my engagement. Ask here and there about any plans I have so far, but nothing more than a minor interest at best. How would I know what she’s really feeling inside unless she uses her words and tells me? I wouldn’t, right?
That was another lesson of 2023.
The realization that I was raised by parents that both did their best for me, but also both had their own faults that were projected onto me growing up. My mom is terrible at communication. My dad is a free spirit that isn’t always honest. My parents were 27 & 30 when I burst onto the scene and I realized this year that we literally all grew up together. They divorced when I was about 6 or 7 and by that time I had seen and heard too many adult things to not be effected. I had matured way past what I was supposed to comprehend at that age. My parents matured over the years and hopefully have both truly found their own versions of happiness.
I do think that my parents generation was one that was not open enough about feelings and emotions and how to go through life in the healthiest ways possible. They grew up in an environment where talking about feelings wasn’t widely accepted in most households. Kids were seen and not heard, spoke when spoken to. Got smacked around when they misbehaved. I now am raising children in this generation, which is pretty much the exact opposite. Today, if you smack your kid for misbehaving you’ll end up in jail. Kids run around dropping f-bombs and n-bombs and words they don’t even understand because parents are unable to discipline them in a way that will actually scare sense into them. Not that I condone spanking your kids, I don’t. But my parents never had to lay a hand on me for me to know when to sit down and shut up. Either way, my mom and I have put in some work, and now we understand each other a little more. We scheduled several appointments and crossed several things off our “to-do” list for the wedding so far. I’m taking her to see our venue for the first time in a few days. It feels good to know she wants to be a part of it with me, and I can only hope the process brings us even closer.

It’s hard to imagine my wedding day when I don’t even know if I’ll still be living in this state in a year at this moment in time. I try to be optimistic and stay as positive as I can because when I find myself fighting the flow of life I always end up breaking down. Back to where I started. Or worse off.
That will not happen this time.
This time nothing is certain.
I’m just floating for now, with gentle direction, but mostly allowing the universe to guide me to where I need to go. I trust it will be obvious soon, and in the meantime I will continue to paint the life I wish I had until it becomes my reality. I like to think of this season as the season of life where all the poison and toxicity we’ve been carrying is slowly getting washed away. Gone forever and replaced with beauty, peace, balance, and happiness every day. This is the cleansing season. And I’m ready and open to accepting a new reality hopefully filled with travel, excitement, possibly babies?

Whatever the future looks like, I know it’s going to be bright.
Keep your habits right, keep your future bright…right? 😉