What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
Statistics show that on average, 71% of people check their phone as soon as their eyes open in the morning.
How many times do you think people check their phone throughout the day on average?
If you guessed in the ballpark of 100 times per day, you’d be correct. 96 times per day is the exact stat.

In the current day and age, having an online presence means a number of things. Be engaging, active, charismatic. Be aesthetically pleasing. If you don’t fit into the beauty standards laid out for you, change yourself. Post on a schedule, so that you maximize your engagement with other accounts. Watch what you broadcast. Nothing dies on the internet, so anything you say could be misconstrued into an unfavorable opinion and get you ‘canceled’ today or 10 years from now. Don’t post too much, but also don’t post too little. Be body-positive, but don’t ‘body check’, cause then it’s a ‘thirst trap’. Don’t be flashy, but make it low-key known that your life is superior to others. Be yourself, but the “Instagram version” of yourself. The edited and posed to perfection, tanned, successful, ageless version of you that is ‘worth posting‘.
& you’ll be deemed ‘likable’ or…. not. Likes & follows = validation & self worth..?
There are so. many. damn. rules. So much pressure. SO much to be insecure about.
There’s so much ridiculous pressure to be perfect on the internet, that even the most beautiful, successful, and recognized people in the public eye feel the need to edit themselves to oblivion in order to appeal to the masses.

Like… are we okay?
These ‘Instagram vs Reality’ photos are just a few examples of people who are already naturally beautiful humans, but unfortunately feel the need to edit and morph themselves in all sorts of ways, to set higher beauty standards for everyone else. These unattainable-for-most standards will then be perpetuated until the ‘unattainable’ becomes the norm, and we all end up looking the same because we’ve been pressured into thinking our unique traits are flaws. Not to mention, how will anyone ever come close to these standards if the people setting them don’t even look the way they portray themselves online? It’s all so bonkers.

For a 31 year old millennial like myself, most of social media is incredibly anxiety inducing.
It changes so rapidly that keeping up with what’s ‘trending’ has become a full time job.
TikTok is a prime example of the mind-numbing evolution that is the 15-30 second video. TikTok has to be one of the most fast-paced, insane apps I have ever used. Every time I open that app, a random video starts playing where someone is dancing and yelling about something and there’s music and props and screaming and before I can even process what the hell just happened, the next video starts playing. I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed, not knowing what the point of any of the context was, which is when I close out the app and don’t open it again for a month or 2. I don’t know how anyone can take in that much information in such a short amount of time.
(Oh my gosh how old do I sound right now?! LOL-ing at myself writing this)

Instagram is the scariest of all though. I think of this platform as ‘the popular girls table in the cafeteria’. People don’t support each other just to be nice. Only if there’s something in it for them; follow for follow, like for like, etc. Again, followers and likes = self worth and validation. For me, the anxiety comes mostly from creating something that I truly love; I feel incredibly proud of it; I post it on my instagram; it gets 13 likes. God forbid I work on something for days or even weeks, only to get 13 likes. If I think I’ve created something so beautiful and awesome that I decide to post it, and it only gets 13 likes… something in me is so beyond let down. Something in me says all the time and effort I’ve put fourth into creating this thing has now gone to waste because out of 800 something followers, 13 people cared enough to click “like”. Where does this toxic mindset come from? Is it just preprogrammed into us by these nutty celebrities and influencers? Is it a subconscious need to compete with our peers? To prove to the world and ourselves that we are worthy? Why are we so stingy with our “likes and follows”? And why do I get anxious if I like something and I want to post it on my personal account? Who gives a crap if anyone else likes it? I didn’t post it for them, I posted it for me. But the anxiety of only getting 13 likes for some reason still creeps up.

So why is it so hard to publicly share something I love,
without caring about the follows, likes and comments?
How can I deprogram these limiting beliefs and find my own safe space on the internet?

It’s taken me a long time to be able to feel like I can really be myself on any one platform. I still struggle with all forms of social media. The truth is, I’m just not that social! I love my quiet time where I clean my condo, or tend my garden for 6 hours and don’t even so much as glance at my phone. I love early nights cuddling in bed with my fiancé. I love running around the woods with my pup. But on the other hand, there’s a side of me that’s incredibly social and eager to share all the beauty I’ve created around myself with the world. I want to connect with like-minded individuals. I love filming myself doing fun things like traveling and cooking. However, I never fit myself into a specific “niche”. I’d love to build my YouTube channel up, but not fitting into a niche makes it incredibly difficult for the algorithm to know what kind of demographic to push your content out to, and since I like a whole bunch of different content, I’m not sure where I fit. I also love taking pictures of myself and experimenting with more artistic ways of shooting portraits and selfies, but I never want to post photos on my account that a client of mine might look at and say “OMG is that my hairstylist’s asscheeks?!”
That being said, do I realistically want to brand my face? No. Do I want to make continuous content that I’m not passionate about? No. Do I want to post racy images of myself on a platform where millions of other women are doing that same thing and competing and editing and starving themselves to stay relevant? Also no.

So, what do I truly want out of my experience online?
I want to feel lighter after I’ve created and posted something. I want to feel like all my energy poured into that one thing and here it is and I am proud of it no matter how many people see it or like it or share it. I want to express myself freely and openly and be vulnerable and raw and build a community based on all the good I can contribute to this world. I want to free all the thoughts that run on in my complex mind all hours of the day and night. I want to know my purpose and feel grounded in that what I am doing is right and will undoubtedly bring nothing but positivity and peace to everyone who joins the community. I want to hold space for people who think that there isn’t space for them here.

Also, I love to write.

Finding my current path and throwing myself into this blog has been so expansive thus far. Every time I get the inspiration to sit and write, I get that feeling of lightness I’ve been craving. A little flutter in my chest that tells me what I’m doing is igniting a spark that has been begging to be aired out. The heaviness dissipates. It’s effortless and beautiful. Messy and challenging. But for the first time in my ‘internet life’, I feel like I’m home. This is my space. My little corner of the internet where I can say what I want and release thoughts and ideas and post raw images and be myself. I want this blog to tell the story of my life. The unfurling of all the inner workings of my soul, fears, dreams, fantasies, confessions…

As impatient as I’ve been…
trying to find my way here,
I can finally say that now
I do have that one outlet
where I know
I am safe
I am light
& I am free

PS. There aren’t any ‘like’ buttons here ;]