The question with limitless optimism.

The ever-changing answer is dependent on so many factors.

I remember being a kid and the question “who are you” simply meant “What’s your name?”
To which I’d answer “Michelle what’s yours?”
That’s all we needed to know back then. After names were out of the way – boom instant friends.
That was as deep as it got on the playground from kindergarten to 6th grade.

If you were to ask fetus Michelle the question “who are you?”
She’d probably say “I’m Michelle and I like birthdays, gymnastics, and bowling”
Man, I miss being a kid sometimes.

Fast forward a few years to middle school age when “who are you” started to take on new meaning.
This is when you first become self aware.
This is when you start to learn that boys had “hot and not” lists, and that wearing the same navy blue zip up fleece and paint covered low rise jeans to school every day was definitely not going to land you on the “hot list”.
This is when you start becoming aware of your body and compare it to the other girls.
This is when any societal ‘flaws’ in you are pointed out and magnified.
This is when your peers start to branch off into different friend groups and you realize you don’t look the same as the popular girls. You don’t act the same. Overnight everything about you has become ‘uncool’.
This is when meals are skipped and expensive acne meds are ordered and make up and hair care and all of the sudden you’re painfully aware that if you want to measure up, it’s going to take work.
I always hated that being “cool and popular” didn’t come naturally to me.

If you were to ask middle school Michelle the question “who are you”
she’d probably say “I’m trying to be anyone but myself right now because if I don’t act and dress a certain way, life will be significantly more difficult for me. Forget who I am, who is everyone else and how can I be like them?”

Side note: I wish I could give middle school Michelle a huge hug.

Now let’s fast forward to the high school years.
Perhaps the most damaging years of all.
Whenever I hear a grown adult talk about how ‘high school was the best 4 years of their life and oh what they wouldn’t give to go back and do it all again’ I can’t help but feel bad for them. How on earth can anyone know themselves so well in high school that even after graduating college and becoming an adult, sit here and say those years were their best…?!
My focus in high school was not ‘finding myself’ or ‘discovering who I am’.
High school was about survival.
My only goal was to survive, graduate, and never talk to anyone from my home town again.
Pretty cynical for a 16-17 year old, wouldn’t you say?
Looking back, I believe my mentality of ‘F all of you I’m out’ came from a sad, angry girl who tried so hard to morph and contort herself into all different molds for 4 years but still came out of it with no friends.
I began to dislike myself even more during this season of life.

If you were to ask high school Michelle the question “who are you”
She’d probably say “I’m the next Paris Hilton, bitch.”
*Adult Michelle Translation*: ‘I’m trying to be whatever is popular and relevant right now so people will like me, and I won’t have to think about whether or not I like me.”

What they don’t teach you in school is;
If you spend time to get to know yourself well enough to differentiate between people’s assumptions about who you are vs. who you know you are, nothing anyone says to you or about you… actually… freaking… matters.
& god damn if my high school self knew that… sheeeeesh.

I believe most people start really getting to know themselves in their 20s.
I like to think of it as waking up.
For a large majority of us, it happens in college or trade school.
For me, it happened after an intense break-up from an extremely toxic relationship.

During my late teens and early 20s, I was the girl who always had a boyfriend. I was the girl who went from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone. I never gave myself the opportunity to get to know ‘young adult Michelle’. I always put my energy towards tending to someone else, or trying to be someone else.
So looking back, there was no avoiding what would happen next. Eventually I’d have to wake up, right?

A short background into the season of life that would ultimately wake me up and change my answer to the question “who are you” forever– it’s relevant, I promise.

After surviving high school, one failed semester at a local college, a full cosmetology certification,
and a grueling and unenjoyable first taste of my new career, I moved out of my home town to a rural area in upstate NY. Very farm-y… think Little House on the Prairie vibes.
When I made that move, I was 22, and about 6 months into what would turn out to be a 4 year cycle of all kinds of abuse. (This is the extremely toxic relationship I mentioned a minute ago, incase you didn’t assume).
I was as codependent as codependent could be by this time. Just existing in autopilot.
After asking myself over and over why I kept attracting the wrong people into my life, I realized something profound. This abusive person had chosen me for a reason, as did all the others before.
So what was it? Why me?
Who was I during this season?
I was a blank canvas. Someone who clung to the idea of being loved.
Someone who looked to others for my own self-worth and validation.
A person so clearly unaware of their worth.
An easily manipulated human looking for guidance in all the wrong places.
I was the perfect target and I had no idea.
If you don’t know who you are, certain people will try to tell you who you are.
The question “Who are you” is a question I learned to constantly ask myself during this season of life.
After years of pretending to be anyone but myself, and then years of someone emotionally beating me into submission, causing me to completely lose any shred of who I was or could have been before, I decided that at the very least, I was someone who knew she deserved better. She was worthy.
Biggest take away from my early 20s,
Know your worth, know your evolving wants and needs, then make sh*t happen for yourself.
Change what you don’t like. You are capable of anything.
Never let someone dictate you who you are. Know yourself enough!

When I finally gathered the courage to break the cycle of abuse and leave that relationship, the self-discovery and healing could begin. During this time, I was at my lowest. There was no where to go but up, nothing to lose and everything to gain. I began to go deep within myself, spending hours alone in my empty condo in the mountains. I had never lived alone before. Although I had next to nothing, and years of myself to rediscover, I felt a sense of grounding. This was my foundation slowly coming together. This sleepy mountain condo became the catalyst for expansive growth and exploration within myself. I started to realize my worth and started to re-program my way of thinking.

Side note: I ended up purchasing the mountain condo shortly after this all happened. Bad ass.
“Who are you?”
26 year old Michelle would answer “I’m not entirely sure yet, but I know who I’m not. The rest is a work in progress but I’m here everyday showing up for myself. I’m learning that I am worthy of every abundance the universe has to offer. And I am grateful.”

This finally brings us to our 30s.
I’m writing this at age 31, in my bathtub. (I do my best thinking in the bath.. can anyone relate?)
Since my 30s have only just begun, I thought it’d be fun to write a letter to my former self.
That 26 year old girl sitting on her couch in her empty condo.
A first-time homeowner. A new version of herself. A work in progress.
The one who’s scared, lonely, and still unsure of ‘who the **** she is’ really

Here is what I would say;

Dear Past Michelle,

This is the end of a tumultuous season of life. Everything you’ve gone thru has been the ultimate guiding light. Although you feel empty inside now, you will come to realize that this emptiness is saving space for everything you deserve. Everything you will work thru in the coming few years will prepare you for what your true soul journey is intended for on this planet. You will cry. You will scream. You will find it impossible to eat. Impossible to focus on anything but the deep aching in your chest. You will isolate. You will retreat into yourself for weeks. It will feel wrong but deep down you know it’s necessary. You will avoid distractions. You will think you’re losing it at times. You will seek guidance from a shaman, from therapists, yogis, & life coaches. You will explore light therapy. You will start to gain your confidence as the days pass. You will surround yourself with the most beautiful people. You will see things. You will explore. You will create. You will learn about Spirit and your innate connection to the world around you. You will discover plant medicine. You will go within yourself so deeply that you no longer feel alone. You will become your own safety. You will fall madly, deeply, absurdly in love with who you are to the core of your being. You will begin to emerge from your cocoon of self discovery. You will open up and you will fly.

I know you’re scared, and that’s ok, but this is who you are.
Someone who is able to break a hundred times, then get up and rework things for a better outcome.
Someone who knows herself so well that nothing anyone thinks, does, or says could make her second guess her worth. From this destruction, you will be reborn into the woman you are meant to be in every season of life.

Love,
Future Michelle

So this is who I am.
Right now, in this season of life.
30s era Michelle.
Living out my Carrie Bradshaw dream of starting a blog.
Strong one day, vulnerable the next.

I’m still learning to love myself. & that’s ok!
As the seasons of our lives change, who we are changes, and if we look close enough,
we can see ourselves subconsciously taking little seeds of experience from each season,
planting them in our minds, and growing into the next season that much more beautiful.

It is such a magical thing after all – to think that the first day of the rest of your life is always just one day away.